If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else.

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Ramblings
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A quote from Booker T. Washington, who if you didn’t know- was a pretty fucking awesome guy. He was born into slavery and yet managed to overcome his oppression and become an extremely powerful African-American leader. He even advised the President, and he spent his life using his political prowess to gain blacks equal social rights. Cool dude. (Thanks Wikipedia)

If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else.

I came across his quote yesterday and honestly, it was the impetus that got me out of bed and made me ready to face the world again. I’ve been low lately- whether it’s because it’s the realisation that a year has passed since my friend died- or maybe it’s the mountain of responsibilities that seem to forever pile up as I get older, or perhaps I feel guilty for not being present, which somehow makes me feel the need to be distant even more. To put it simply, since I got back from LA, I haven’t really been myself. I’ve been low- and I mean, really low (at times.)

It’s surprising- people probably wouldn’t place me as that kind of person (unless you’ve noticed a string of depressing tweets coming from my Twitter account… Silly now I think about it) The point is, it’s not like me to be like this. I’m usually full of joy, happiness, love… Light, and above all- STRENGTH.

But I haven’t been strong recently. I’ve been weak. I think sometimes we all get sucked into dark times, It’s appealing in a way, to wallow in self pity- I think sometimes we take pleasure in the pain, in a twisted way. It takes less strength to watch your life fall apart than it does to pick up the pieces and get it back on track again. It’s like when you wake up on a cold day and you don’t want to get out of your little duvet-cocoon. I’ve been in a cocoon, but it’s time to get out.

It’s strange- when you suffer from depression, even in its mildest form, (and this may not be the same for other people) you experience a dichotomy to your personality. On one side, is the smart, strong Neela. Neela number 1. She knows exactly what to do and say and understands the value of life, she’s happy and carefree- and she lives life to the fullest. On the other side, is the weak, lonely Neela. Neela 2. She’s the one who ostracizes herself, locks herself in her room for hours and watches crime documentaries in the dark. She zones out to forget the pain and drifts in and out of sleep, with no concept of time passing. She feels so desperately and terrifyingly alone in this world and yet she doesn’t have the strength to venture out of her cocoon to make contact, with anyone. She doesn’t know how.

So. It’s time Neela 1 took matters into her own hands.

If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else. 

The second side of life I described, The “Neela 2″ that I somehow have become- That’s no way to live. And I know I’m not the only one who’s been down that road. Maybe you have been too.

I need lifting up, and I need to lift someone else up. Whoever is reading this, I need to lift you up, too. I need to lift us all up, to the point where our feet are no longer touching the ground on which we cowered before, we need to ascend, higher and higher, and realise our full potential, you and I- all of us. I wanted to say something to Neela 2, and whoever else needs to hear it. Something I can look back on to help me if I ever fall short of myself again. So I’ll leave you with this:

You are not alone. I am here with you. Every day, willing you to step out of this lurch you’re in and enjoy life! You are a wonderful, interesting individual and you have so much more to offer this world than to sit and wallow in your misery. The universe needs you, wants you. You need to make your mark! Everyone goes through dark times, and sometimes it’s good to just let yourself go and be sad for a little while. But the time to be sad is over. Now is the time to grab life by the horns and give it your best. Try for trying’s sake. Live for living’s sake and just be in the NOW because really, it’s all we have. Don’t waste your time and disregard the people around you, the people who love you and care about you. You need to snap out of it- you have so much to give and you haven’t even started. Don’t let the bad times impact the good times. Whatever it is you’re working towards, If you really want it- you can achieve it. It sounds cliche but it’s true- you just aren’t trying hard enough. We’ve all made mistakes. FORGIVE YOURSELF. Be strong, be emotional, and be yourself- and above all, waste no time in your cocoon anymore. Go for walks, visit galleries, watch plays, movies, read books. Kiss boys, kiss girls! Do what you want. Indulge in the delights life has to offer- open your mind, open your soul. Love, and you will be loved. YOU CAN DO IT. Loneliness is the one of the worst feelings in the world. But you can never be alone if you have yourself. DON’T lose yourself. You will be fine. I am here.

Peace and Love and ALL that stuff.

Neela x

Artwork by Niki’s Groove 

Where will we go? A late post.

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Ramblings
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—- I wrote this some time ago, I don’t know what stopped me from hitting the Publish button.

Do you ever wonder about the passing of time?  Sometimes I feel like I’m just floating through life. Tonight I’m thinking about everything I’ve achieved so far. Everything I’ve been through, and every thing I haven’t yet experienced.

Life is a complicated thing.

Like a finely woven tapestry. We all interconnect at different points. Sometimes the world feels so small, but at other times it feels so vast it almost saddens me to know I’ll never be able to explore it all. In life we can only ever meet a finite amount of people. It leaves me wondering if I’ll meet the right people in mine.

I’m doing good. (No, I’m not depressed.. Just pondering) Things are good with work, good with life, I’m excited for what’s to come. It’s a strange feeling this. I can’t explain it.

*20 minutes later*

Drake came on shuffle and got me out of my weird mood haha. I wonder if anyone reads these. Well. I know some of you do, so hello there *waves*. If you listen to Drake for too long you zone out into one of the many identifiable situationship issues he talks about and next thing you know you’ve listened to the whole album and you’re calling up your ex. (Ha.)

Just kidding. It’s weird, just blogging like this. I’ve never been this open about just, what’s going on in my mind really. I’m used to writing about stuff- But not this.

Hopefully I get better as I go along.

Drake is still singing depressed shit in my ear. I’m turning it off.

I love that. Pretty much the soundtrack to this post. Enjoy.

Taking The Leap.

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This year has been a difficult one.

I was meant to post my Los Angeles travel diaries today, but all night I’ve been stuck. Stuck thinking about the state of the world, the world I live in. And within that, the smaller world I live in, the world of me, my friends, my family- the people I connect with. My Universe.

What part will I play in the course of history? My family history? What mark will I make on the world. Sometimes, I don’t feel like making any mark at all. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and forget about the injustices that happen every day, the millions of people- men, women, children of all races- murdered, raped and tortured at the hands of their oppressors. There will never be peace in this world, I know that. Not totally. Not when this world is so vast and the people within it are so divided in their ideologies. All I know is that in my world, I can make peace. I can make a mark on my world and I can be something, someone- that makes a difference.

The question is how. There a lot of different avenues I could go down right now in my life. I just know that I’m at a point where I need to take one. I need to make a choice about how I want my world to be. And that’s not the same as making a choice about what I want to do with the rest of my life, because I don’t think anyone really knows what that is. But how I want to live my life, how I want to channel myself, is a choice I have to make.

2014 started for me in a state of grieving. I lost my friend. Joseph Elliot Goode. He died. December 4th 2013. And then everything felt like it was crashing down on me. I had been looking for a job for months and I was yet to find anything stable. I gave up on everything and used to spend days laying in the dark- trying to grasp the concept that my friend was no longer on this earth, no longer living. It still doesn’t make any sense.

The weird thing about grief is that it comes in highs and lows. I was at a point where I wasn’t sure how life could even continue. I don’t know how I got through it because now as I sit here, it appears that life did indeed continue. That taught me the hard and seemingly obvious fact that the world keeps spinning, no matter what. It sounds stupid, but when your world stops, it’s hard to imagine that the rest of the universe carries on as normal.

As I write this I reflect upon the tragic loss of Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, Temir Rice and the THOUSANDS of other names which I do not know. Tragic losses happen every day, injustices happen every day, and to someone out there,  Michael Brown was what Joseph Goode was to me. A friend. A friend who is gone. And yet the world doesn’t know Joe’s name, and no one knows the thousands of others killed at the hands of police brutality or brutality elsewhere. No one knows their names but that doesn’t make their lives any less worthy.

It just makes you think about things from a different perspective when you lose someone personally. You really understand- no matter how far the disconnect. Somewhere in the world right now, someone has just found out their loved one is gone. They are feeling what I felt December 4th, 2013- and although I will never know their name or their story, I know how they feel. I understand their loss.

Today, I learned that someone else in my world passed away. He was a friend to someone I love. He was their Joseph Goode. I also learnt a few months back that my grandad passed away. I didn’t even know him. I guess that’s what made me write this post.

Life is incredibly short. Sometimes I feel like we’re all just hanging by a thread- and we are. I need to figure out what direction I want to take my life before it’s too late and it’s all over in a flash.

The inevitability of death is all consuming, overwhelming- as is the inevitability of life. Even if I decided to move back home and spend the rest of my life a hermit, watching daytime TV and being bored, life would carry on. It’s like a river flowing fast and I feel like right now, I’m sitting on the banks- just waiting. Just waiting to jump in and ride the current somewhere, hoping wherever I end up is somewhere great, somewhere I am proud to be. This year I’ve spent too long sitting on the banks. I think it’s time to take the leap.

Peace & Love & All That Stufffff.

Neelz

This is How We Do It

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Music / Ramblings

So. I’m flying to Los Angeles tomorrow. TOMORROW. The adventure begins.

This blog post is dedicated to Montell Jordan – This Is How We Do It.

A song that signifies everything about it being friday night, wanting to get down with ya homies and of course, being in LA. (I’m determined to play this as our intro as we hit the club tomorrow night (In LA.. did i mention?)

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Safe to say that I’m really ready to get out of this city. It’s raining, cold, work is getting on top of me and I just need space to breathe. It couldn’t come any sooner.

It seems I now actually have an audience- hello everyone! Welcome to the part of the internet that exclusively contains my pointless ramblings.

I’ve been very busy lately. Everything is going GREAT with the magazine (cozymag.co.uk) if you haven’t checked it out already…. Work is good, sometimes I wake up and I really don’t want to go anywhere which is new- but I think it’s just a part of settling in. Full time work is a killer though.

Most nights I just come home and nod off before my friends get home. We’re all working now (yay!) but it means we’re all a lot busier. :(

So I fly out tomorrow and I haven’t packed let alone exchanged my pounds into dolla dolla bill$ yaaaa’lll (another Montell Jordan reference) Instead here I sit in the office pretty much just thinking about all the things I should be doing- without actually doing them.

In other news, I cut my hair! WOO! I reckon a few months now and it’ll be my ideal. Nearly all of the color has grown out.

It’s going a bit wild though…

bruh See this? It’s the face of exhaustion. I AM EXHAUSTED.

 

 

Aaaanyway. I need to make like I’m at least doing something productive, like actual work, seeing as I am- at work- y’know…

Oh and, You’re welcome: * apologies for the creepy photo, close your eyes and vibe with it.

Peace & Love and all dat stuuuhhff

Neela x

This City

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Ramblings

I love this city. I love everything about it. I love who I am spending my time with and I love who I am sharing my experiences with. Sometimes I take it for granted, but I am fat with love.

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Sat by the river with B this evening. Life is good.

Peace and love and all that stuff

m x

Hello again (Late Upload)

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Ramblings

Well. I’m currently nursing a hangover at work- my fault, obviously.

Went to the Nike Women Colour Block launch at 198 last night. It was sponsored by patrón, need I say more?



So fancy.

It was a nice night all around though. Good conversations and lots of free alcohol (and canapés, let’s not forget about those)

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It’s like we planned the Afros haha.

In other news. Life is going well but I need a holiday. LA can’t come any sooner.

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Alice in Wonderland

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Ramblings
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Feeling better now. I need to be up for work early tomorrow so I’ll make this quick.

Watching Alice in Wonderland to send me off to sleep. Not the cartoon version though, the really trippy newer version. It’s quite weird actually :S

Aaaanyway. Today I pigged out on nandos and I’m still full. Indulging in camomile tea to send me to the land of sleep. Hopefully I don’t see any smiling cheshire cats in my dreams.

Watched the BET awards today. Especially liked the celebration of some of the greats, Lionel Richie, James Brown and Maya Angelou to name a few. Chilled with H too and feel back to myself again. <3

Hot water bottle is ready now. God, I’m such an old woman… Hopefully my posts will become more interesting when I get back to work tomorrow.

Oooh, and check out some snaps from the art fair I went to this weekend with B.

Peace and loooove and all that stuff.

 

 

It’s 8am.

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Ramblings

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It’s 8am and I have to be up for work in, well, now. But I’ve woken up feeling like utter shit so I’ll be working from home today.

You’d think this was a bonus but if you’re genuinely feeling ill, not just fake ill like most people tell their employers, then you actually don’t feel like doing any work at all.

ICYMI- last night’s sunset was beautiful

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My body still hurts all over. What is going on with me? I remember “sick days” when you were a kid, they were so fun.

This springs to mind:

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Oh those were the days…

For now- I’m headed back to sleep. Up later to do some work *yay*

Peace and Love and all that stuff.

I’ve moved.

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Ramblings

4ormat was a terrible platform for a personal blog, I’ve realised. (After paying for it, like an idiot.)

So. Here I am- Hello WordPress. Hopefully you’ll welcome me with open arms.

*crickets*

Here’s a cool photo of something I saw today:

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It’s by Kaws, a NY based artist who also happens to be favoured by one of my favourite people.

Here’s some more:

Very cool giant cartoon dude. (looking kind of sad)

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They remind me of characters from Sonic the Hedgehog. :)

This was at the Frieze London Art Fair. Very fun. Nice way to spend your Saturday.

Oh- not forgetting Sushi. Always a bonus.

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Now I’m hungry again. Except its 1am and I have work in the morning.

I’ll post again tomorrow. Seeing as depite being incredibly busy I can’t quite seem to get off the internet. I like it here.

Peace and Love and all that stuff. x